The Battle Isn't Yours

Trigger warning: Self Harm Mentioned!

Self harm used to be how I coped with everything. If I could just make the pain on the outside match that on the inside. I'd justify why I deserved it and cover it up to ensure no one saw. If I was having a break down, fighting with someone, spiritual warfare, whatever it was I'd turn to harming myself. This would mean either falling on eating disorders that made me intentionally making myself sick. It would lead to scratching my skin, pulling hair, picking, and a majority of the time cutting. Self harm was second nature to me by the time high school hit. I knew where to harm and how to do it without being noticed. It was such a toxic and horrible way to handle life. By the grace of God, I've overcome that aspect of life.

Nevertheless, I have felt myself tempted. I've heard the devil in my ear after crying or breaking down saying to do it. I'd bounce my leg and use a fidget to distract just to get my mind to redirect the energy. The other day o even caught myself seeing a razor and thinking "oh I could just...". That is not my thought. I had been learning about Spiritual Warfare and knew I would be tempted and fight it. My anxiety was high for a few weeks and everything upset me. I was in physical pain and emotionally stuck. Whatever the case, my mind wondered to the past. The enemy tried to tell me that "its like the good old days. Remember how good it felt" and would tempt me to hurt myself over and over again, As if it wasn't sinful and shameful.

God has redeemed me from a lot of that! I am not perfect and have thoughts sometimes. I am not perfect and fall to the eating disorder at times. In these moments He is going back with me so I am not alone. I don't stumble because He has laid down a path for me. It's a place where he is holding my hand saying "I am here". It hasn't been easy. But God has been working in that. Thankfully God is so gracious to come in at our weak moments, even when the battle is what we think of as over! He stands in that space and says "I'm battling for you again!" That's what I love about the King I serve because I am never enough but He is MORE THAN ENOUGH.

So take heart, dear friends. If you’re facing spiritual warfare or feel like you’ve ended up right back where you started, don’t lose sight of the Light ahead of you. The darkness can feel overwhelming, but Jesus is right there with you—walking beside you, catching you when you fall, and holding you through it all. Remember, we do not wrestle against flesh and blood. The bloodshed has already been taken care of—Jesus paid it all. So whatever battle you’re in—whether it’s something new or the past trying to resurface—know this: your past is paid for, it’s gone, and you are made new. Stand firm in the truth, and watch how everything begins to shift—sometimes even before you realize the battle has begun.