Don't Waste You Exodus

This image was on my screen with the caption “Don’t Waste Your Exodus”. As I look at the photo, my heart began to pound out of my chest and my mind started to whirl. I was imagining the fear and anxiety that it took to face this scene. I was imagining the trust it took in God to take the leap to try to escape to something better. I pictured asking the question, how do we know for sure it's better? I imagined what it meant to have the belief that better days were coming even when suffering in the unknown and trying not to cling to the past suffering for safety. That is where this reflection was born.

In 2003, I experienced the bliss of heaven (that full story is for another time, so stay tuned). God allowed me to enter His kingdom, walk with His Son, and experience the pure peace and joy of heaven. Meanwhile, on Earth, my body was fighting for its life after enduring a severe burn injury. The suffering was too much for me to bear, especially at the age of four. I remember the heavenly experience vividly, but the conversation always stands out in my memory. Looking into my Savior’s eyes, He softly spoke and said, “I am not ready for you yet.” And, as a child would, I argued. Seriously, who argues with Jesus?

Despite my resistance, he insisted, continuing, “I am not ready for you, so you must go back. You are needed. You have a purpose. So I am sending you back. I love you.” Suddenly, the bliss was over, and the pain returned. At that time, I was in a coma, so there was no way for me to express my suffering or explain what had just happened. I was trapped in a body that could not move but could hear, could not scream but felt the pain, and could not function without machines, yet I was fully aware inside. It was far from the bliss I had just experienced. I did not realize that this was the starting point of my own exodus.

In the book of Exodus, we see God revealed as a redeemer and Savior. We learn of the Israelites being led out of captivity toward a promise from God—one that many, sadly, would never experience for themselves. We hear of God’s promises to deliver His people from suffering and into a promised land. Oh, the foreshadowing in this book! But I digress.

Why do I share all this? Because I wasted that first “Exodus” moment. I did not see it as a redeeming and healing opportunity; instead, I questioned why I was sent back to torture and suffering. God did not send the Israelites back into captivity after promising them something better, yet that is exactly how it felt for me. I returned to hardship, suffering, and torment. I did not want to love God for my life, and instead of embracing the faith that this was the start of my exodus, I turned away from Him. I refused to believe and acknowledge what had happened to me that May day, as I couldn’t reconcile how a loving God could allow me to remain in such a terrible situation.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I went to church, participated in youth events and vacation Bible schools, attended Awana Club, and did all the “normal Christian things,” but I was not truly following. I knew of God but did not know God. There is a vast difference between participating because you feel you have to or because it’s what you’re told to do, and genuinely following out of a desire to connect. The latter requires intentionality. The Israelites needed to intentionally follow Moses to be redeemed in the Exodus; otherwise, they would have remained stuck in their same situation. They believed in God and knew of Him, but it took an intentional act of discipline to follow through when given their Exodus moment.

God needed another drastic moment to get my attention. Obviously, my stubborn mind didn’t get it the first time, or the ninth time. Just as Pharaoh needed nine plagues before the final one broke the camel’s back, I needed nine moments before I finally snapped. Looking back, I can identify those nine moments, but number ten is when the exodus truly began.

Number ten for me was surviving an attempt to end my own life. With a handful of pills and a glass of water, I believed the pain was about to end. I knew it was coming and I was ready to stop hurting. It didn’t take a genius to realize that this many pills would lead to an overdose. I was prepared to meet the man I had encountered so many years prior, hoping He would still accept me in my broken state and have mercy on me. As I went to take the pills, one seemed to fly away – not just fall but it looked like someone grabbed it and threw it. I stared at it on the ground from my loft bed, contemplating whether to pick it up or not, but decided one pill wouldn’t make a difference at this point. I was wrong about that.

God woke me up that night and got me to the hospital. As I sat in the PICU after having my stomach pumped and knocking on death's door once again, the doctor came in with news that would radically change my life. He said, “The toxicity was almost to the point of no return. One more pill, and she wouldn’t have woken up from this. I hope this was a wake-up call for her.” Those words spun in my mind as I heard the doctor talking to my parents. A wake-up call is an understatement!

One more pill… three words that transformed my thinking and ushered me into a new Exodus moment. In that instant, my tenth plague, if you will, struck me as hard as it did Pharaoh. Death was the final plague for Pharaoh, and it almost became mine as well. But my God saved me once again! He was parting the seas to make room for me to take a leap of faith and be transformed, but I had to make the choice to do so. He made a way for me to live into the promise He had given me so many years ago. I reflected on the wasted years when I could have embraced my Exodus moment—years I could have spent walking into the promised land earlier. Nevertheless, my God was faithful and gave me a new chance to transform my narrative for His glory and to walk me through the waters!

Now, I’ll confess, I am not perfect. In the story of Moses, the people complained and wanted to go back. Why would anyone want to return to a place where they faced such horrible things? The answer is simple: it’s more comfortable to stay in the known discomfort than to face the unknown comfort. I know this sounds crazy, but we all experience it. A new job opportunity may require moving away from the city we love, so we hesitate to take the chance or go but yearn to return to the place we once called home. Or we cling to a toxic relationship because it feels familiar rather than risking the uncertainty of life outside of it.

The Israelites complained and desired to go back because it was what they had known for so long; at least they felt secure knowing they would be fed and have a place to stay. I have been one of those people, too. I have complained and questioned my circumstances. I have cried out to God without understanding why I was in the position I found myself in. I have felt angry and wanted to give up more times than I can count. Like the Israelites, I didn’t see the promised land coming fast enough, so I reacted just as they did.

I often wonder what people thought of me in those first years of high school as I began to be radically changed by this experience. There were days when I spent hours reading commentaries, trying to understand every detail about the person of God. Those were also the days filled with conviction, as I felt like I was living a double life—unable to stop self-harming and battling thoughts of death. But every time I felt I was on the wrong side of God, He reminded me that I am saved for a reason and not to waste this moment in pursuit of the promised land. Adversity and giants will try to conquer, but when God has a plan set before you, there is no stopping it!

If it weren't for the moments leading to the exodus of my heart, I wouldn't be where I am today. If it weren't for the wilderness that followed, I would have returned to my old self and the captivity of my past. So...

Don’t waste an Exodus moment, not a single one. Maybe your moment is a desire to quit smoking, drinking, or using drugs, but you can’t seem to step into the uncomfortable long enough. Trust that there is something better on the other side of it. Perhaps you’re in a rocky marriage that feels beyond help. Believe that there is a promised land for you if you can embrace a little more discomfort in the wilderness. Maybe it’s a job situation or a dream that seems to be dying. Whatever the case may be, do not waste this moment. Press on through the terrifying walls of the parted sea, navigate the wilderness (because I promise you there will be a wilderness), and seek the promised land that lies ahead of you.

So I ask you: What is your Exodus? What do you need to let go of or move on from? What is holding you back? I challenge you to release it and fight for a better life for yourself. Be uncomfortable enough in the known to continue to the comfortable unknown! It will be the best decision you’ve ever made! It won’t be easy, and Egypt will try to call you back, but once that water closes behind you, there is no turning back!

In life, each of us faces our own personal Exodus, a journey of liberation and transformation. It is a call to leave behind the familiar confines of our comfort zones and venture into the uncharted territories of growth and self-discovery. Your Exodus could be letting go of past traumas, toxic relationships, self-limiting beliefs, or simply stepping out of your comfort zone to pursue your dreams. Identifying what is holding you back is the first step towards your Exodus. It requires introspection, courage, and a willingness to confront your fears and insecurities. Once you have identified these barriers, the next step is to release them, to unshackle yourself from the chains that bind you to a life that no longer serves you. Embracing the discomfort of the unknown is essential in your journey towards a better life. It is in the discomfort that growth happens, where you push past your limits and discover your true potential. The path to a better life is not always easy, but it is always worth it. As you embark on this journey, remember that Egypt, symbolizing your past life, will try to lure you back with its familiar comforts and illusions of security. However, once you have taken that leap of faith, once you have crossed the threshold and left your old life behind, there is no turning back. The waters of change will close behind you, propelling you forward towards a brighter future. Embrace your Exodus, embrace the unknown, and trust that the best decision you've ever made lies on the other side of fear and uncertainty.

Original Writing from Sept 24, 2023, revised and remastered September 25, 2024